The adventure begins! (Or continues!) What’s been most interesting to me watching many friends get adhd and asd diagnoses — and in turn tell me that neurodivergent people tend to flock together, nudge nudge — is shifting my perspective from binary You Have It / You Don’t to picturing a four-quadrant graph, with the x and y’s of your choice — degree of sensitivity, empathy, hyper focus, distractedness, language, whatever! — and everyone lands somewhere. Sometimes that spot on the graph means extra tools or medicine or support are warranted. Heard that from a trained professional and think it’s super cool. It really highlights the diversity in neurodiversity for me.
I love this, Carolyn. Maybe the reason there are so many diagnoses now is that so many of us are struggling in a one-size- fits-all world that seems designed by and for just one neurotype, while the reality is that we're each unique, with different needs and contributions.
Sari, I'm relating on hyper-empathy. For years, before I understood where it came from, I would numb myself or block the world out as it was too much to bear. But, that blocked the good as well as the bad, and likely had me come across as uncaring. Since figuring out the autism thing, I've tried to be more open to it all, the beauty as well as the pain. I'm fortunate, though, to be at a point in my life where I can curate my environment enough to protect my peace as I do that.
Thanks for this, John. Yes, sometimes it's all too much, especially when I'm around people who are in very negative headspaces for too long. I don't know how to not take it on. I also struggle with representations of pain on screen. For years, I've been trying to explain to my husband why I can't separate film/TV from reality, which makes it nearly impossible for me to watch anything with violence or cruelty. It feels like it's happening to me, and I can't make it stop.
Sari, you say, "For years, I've been trying to explain to my husband why I can't separate film/TV from reality, which makes it nearly impossible for me to watch anything with violence or cruelty. It feels like it's happening to me, and I can't make it stop." Oh my god! Thank you for this! I once told my young stepdaughter, reared with a TV on the foot of her bed (not in my TV-free house) that I couldn't watch violence because it felt real to me. "It's not real!" she said, as if her explaining it to me would cure me of my malady.
How strange in all my “self study” that I didn’t see this connection with film/TV violence and my neurodiversity. I immediately look away, and my husband is trained to let me know when it’s “safe” again. I only attributed that to past trauma, but of course there could be another and other reasons, including heightened awareness from multiple sources.
Your search for a new therapist, one who wants to help you become more you reminds me of something I learned from a meditation teacher long ago that sticks with me. That the goal is actually to become more sensitive not less, to be able to feel and trust what you feel and trust that you have the capacity both to feel it and respond in a way that is useful to yourself and the betterment of the world. Remembering this has reset my trajectory again and again, but I do often need the reminder. Thank you for your post and I wish you the best on your search.
Amazing that I practically woke up with the word "empathy" and here you are! An insight into my present state of mind: I want to be less negative about my aspirations--which centers on being happy, damnit! confident! I'm surrounded by love, but I back away from the prospect of writing a love letter to myself, bless Elizabeth Gilbert. WHY? because I fear it would interfere with my being able to be empathetic--I share your plight watching violence or knowing about cruelty, Sari--I 'm often brought to tears most days. It dawns on me though, happiness and confidence do not diminish empathy, do they? Aren't I using this as an excuse not to "go for it" - my dream if I dare call it that to accomplish a new thing. & there's a little voice in back of my head, "people will think (badly) of me...who am I to wallow in this?
I know you already understand this, but consider this coming from someone else: “I back away from the prospect of writing a love letter to myself, bless Elizabeth Gilbert. WHY? because I fear it would interfere with my being able to be empathetic.” A part of you already knows it’s the exact opposite. That’s the part you need to listen to, and to gently get the afraid part back onboard. ❤️
Omygoodness Deb that's much to take in. ( I'd like to say much to grok but that's been hijacked - or has it? anyway to reclaim it? )...much to take in and look at. By the exact opposite you mean greater ability to be empathetic, right alongside happiness and confidence?!
Thank you for this. I have a severely autistic brother, and I used to assume that his autism was everyone’s. I was “normal.” Yet, I am hyper aware of others’ emotions. I grew up feeling sorry for objects, so much so that I’d pick out “ugly” clothes for Mom to buy me for school because I felt sorry for them. Add in the traumatic childhood and I have no doubt I’m on the spectrum.
I’ve always thought I developed my anticipatory muscle from having a parent whose emotions were unpredictable. Hyper-vigilance = tuning in to avoid an outburst . But there are times when it’s physical, in a roomful of people and it just side swipes you. When I was a kid, being in a roomful of the wrong people was an instant migraine. Thanks for sharing this.
Yes. This discussion has helped me understand that my sources for that “anticipatory muscle” aren’t just from parent hyper awareness, which is only one part, but from multiple parts of me. Which is amazing to me since I’m on Substack to talk about my “parts!” Hmm. Is that right? No. It’s to learn more through my writing and to spread the ahas if others relate to what I’m exploring.
Congratulations on receiving a diagnosis! I too am a radio receiver, which sometimes causes my antennae to switch off completely as they attempt to fend off overwhelm.
Other times, conscious overwhelm is the only treatment—I think I spent my twenties doing this. Loud music! Drink! Dancing! Big cities! Etc.
Radio receiver people are commonly found among writers, actors, poets, and some musicians. We are sometimes found babbling in the street or living in our cars. Or attempting to be soothed online by "HSP" programs (not a good match for me, let's just put it that way).
I hope this diagnosis gives you lots of new perspectives and stuff to try out. I hope we all co-invent a world where radio receivers are A-OK, or at least comfort each other in the world we've got.
I see it as a diverse constellation. I myself have never “been tested” but I don’t really wish to be. But I know and have known for a long time that there is something unusual that happens to me when I encounter other peoples emotions. It is particularly strong in the presence of people. I’ve never met sharing deep emotions. It is also very difficult to manage.
I see it as a diverse constellation. I myself have never “been tested” but I don’t really wish to be. But I know and have known for a long time that there is something unusual that happens to me when I encounter other peoples emotions. It is particularly strong in the presence of people. I’ve never met sharing deep emotions. It is also very difficult to manage.
Thank you for this. I can relate and love how you phrased it as being a radio receiver. It's so true, and I hope the awareness brings you the ability to practice more self-care.
Thanks for this Sari. As a fellow "radio receiver for everyone else's emotions" or co-dependent or Al-Anon person or so many other possibilities this was interesting and helpful to read.
I started drinking and numbing in other ways really young to TURN OFF THE CHANNEL. It worked for....about five minutes. Now sober for most of my adult life, I still over-empathize. I liked Covid lock-down because I could just stay home with my books, writing, husband, animals, great food, and nature. My social muscles atrophied. But I still want to be sober in a 12-Step women's support group, so I started a meeting. We meet for an hour once a week, and some of us come early to talk more one on one. Then some stay later to share a bit more. That makes three hours of super-relating, and I'm just completely drained, even shaking. I'm finally getting how for me, alcohol and drugs and compulsive relationships and caregiving, were a way to numb the "Mommy, I feel like I'm in everybody's head at once" recorded by her in my Baby Book from when I was about five.
As another late diagnosed autistic, I'm delighted to welcome you to the fold. ;) I've always loved your writing and I wonder if it's because I found resources with the hyper-empathy part. In my experience diagnosis is just the beginning of the journey, but there is a wonderful community here and elsewhere of late diagnosed people (re)discovering themselves. I would say though, to be wary of functioning labels and so-called levels of autism. I think we're all on a journey to see how and where we fit on the spectrum, experiences ebb and flow and can change over our life-times, you are ultimately an expert in your own experience and how to define it!
Ah! Congrats on the diagnosis. It’s such a weird weight off. I got mine five years ago and I also feel what people around me feel so strongly. Though I weirdly took one of those empathy quizzes on an autism site and scored very much not in the neurotypical range. I think people on the spectrum just experience empathy very differently.
Thank you, Tove. Glad to know you are on a similar "journey" with this. I think maybe they are now updating what they know about autism and empathy, so maybe that test was outdated. But, yes, I suspect we experience empathy differently. For me, other people's feelings are always on high-volume around me.
The adventure begins! (Or continues!) What’s been most interesting to me watching many friends get adhd and asd diagnoses — and in turn tell me that neurodivergent people tend to flock together, nudge nudge — is shifting my perspective from binary You Have It / You Don’t to picturing a four-quadrant graph, with the x and y’s of your choice — degree of sensitivity, empathy, hyper focus, distractedness, language, whatever! — and everyone lands somewhere. Sometimes that spot on the graph means extra tools or medicine or support are warranted. Heard that from a trained professional and think it’s super cool. It really highlights the diversity in neurodiversity for me.
I love this, Carolyn. Maybe the reason there are so many diagnoses now is that so many of us are struggling in a one-size- fits-all world that seems designed by and for just one neurotype, while the reality is that we're each unique, with different needs and contributions.
Sari, I'm relating on hyper-empathy. For years, before I understood where it came from, I would numb myself or block the world out as it was too much to bear. But, that blocked the good as well as the bad, and likely had me come across as uncaring. Since figuring out the autism thing, I've tried to be more open to it all, the beauty as well as the pain. I'm fortunate, though, to be at a point in my life where I can curate my environment enough to protect my peace as I do that.
Enjoy the ride!
Thanks for this, John. Yes, sometimes it's all too much, especially when I'm around people who are in very negative headspaces for too long. I don't know how to not take it on. I also struggle with representations of pain on screen. For years, I've been trying to explain to my husband why I can't separate film/TV from reality, which makes it nearly impossible for me to watch anything with violence or cruelty. It feels like it's happening to me, and I can't make it stop.
Sari, you say, "For years, I've been trying to explain to my husband why I can't separate film/TV from reality, which makes it nearly impossible for me to watch anything with violence or cruelty. It feels like it's happening to me, and I can't make it stop." Oh my god! Thank you for this! I once told my young stepdaughter, reared with a TV on the foot of her bed (not in my TV-free house) that I couldn't watch violence because it felt real to me. "It's not real!" she said, as if her explaining it to me would cure me of my malady.
Wow. I’ve never heard anyone else say they have the same feeling! Thank you.
How strange in all my “self study” that I didn’t see this connection with film/TV violence and my neurodiversity. I immediately look away, and my husband is trained to let me know when it’s “safe” again. I only attributed that to past trauma, but of course there could be another and other reasons, including heightened awareness from multiple sources.
I like this perspective. Thank you, Carolyn.
Your search for a new therapist, one who wants to help you become more you reminds me of something I learned from a meditation teacher long ago that sticks with me. That the goal is actually to become more sensitive not less, to be able to feel and trust what you feel and trust that you have the capacity both to feel it and respond in a way that is useful to yourself and the betterment of the world. Remembering this has reset my trajectory again and again, but I do often need the reminder. Thank you for your post and I wish you the best on your search.
Thank you, Tina. I like what the meditation teacher said. <3
Amazing that I practically woke up with the word "empathy" and here you are! An insight into my present state of mind: I want to be less negative about my aspirations--which centers on being happy, damnit! confident! I'm surrounded by love, but I back away from the prospect of writing a love letter to myself, bless Elizabeth Gilbert. WHY? because I fear it would interfere with my being able to be empathetic--I share your plight watching violence or knowing about cruelty, Sari--I 'm often brought to tears most days. It dawns on me though, happiness and confidence do not diminish empathy, do they? Aren't I using this as an excuse not to "go for it" - my dream if I dare call it that to accomplish a new thing. & there's a little voice in back of my head, "people will think (badly) of me...who am I to wallow in this?
I know you already understand this, but consider this coming from someone else: “I back away from the prospect of writing a love letter to myself, bless Elizabeth Gilbert. WHY? because I fear it would interfere with my being able to be empathetic.” A part of you already knows it’s the exact opposite. That’s the part you need to listen to, and to gently get the afraid part back onboard. ❤️
Omygoodness Deb that's much to take in. ( I'd like to say much to grok but that's been hijacked - or has it? anyway to reclaim it? )...much to take in and look at. By the exact opposite you mean greater ability to be empathetic, right alongside happiness and confidence?!
Thank you for this. I have a severely autistic brother, and I used to assume that his autism was everyone’s. I was “normal.” Yet, I am hyper aware of others’ emotions. I grew up feeling sorry for objects, so much so that I’d pick out “ugly” clothes for Mom to buy me for school because I felt sorry for them. Add in the traumatic childhood and I have no doubt I’m on the spectrum.
Omg, I thought I was the only one. I often feel as if I am "cheating" on some of my clothes/things by wearing/using others. Thanks for chiming in.
Good to meet you, Sister!
Likewise!
Another aha for me from this post? Geez. 😊
Wow this is really eye opening for me. I have wondered if im on the low end of the spectrum but I also have hyper empathy
<3
I’ve always thought I developed my anticipatory muscle from having a parent whose emotions were unpredictable. Hyper-vigilance = tuning in to avoid an outburst . But there are times when it’s physical, in a roomful of people and it just side swipes you. When I was a kid, being in a roomful of the wrong people was an instant migraine. Thanks for sharing this.
This resonates 100%. Both parts of it. Thank you.
Yes. This discussion has helped me understand that my sources for that “anticipatory muscle” aren’t just from parent hyper awareness, which is only one part, but from multiple parts of me. Which is amazing to me since I’m on Substack to talk about my “parts!” Hmm. Is that right? No. It’s to learn more through my writing and to spread the ahas if others relate to what I’m exploring.
Congratulations on receiving a diagnosis! I too am a radio receiver, which sometimes causes my antennae to switch off completely as they attempt to fend off overwhelm.
Other times, conscious overwhelm is the only treatment—I think I spent my twenties doing this. Loud music! Drink! Dancing! Big cities! Etc.
Radio receiver people are commonly found among writers, actors, poets, and some musicians. We are sometimes found babbling in the street or living in our cars. Or attempting to be soothed online by "HSP" programs (not a good match for me, let's just put it that way).
I hope this diagnosis gives you lots of new perspectives and stuff to try out. I hope we all co-invent a world where radio receivers are A-OK, or at least comfort each other in the world we've got.
Thank you, Tiffany! Glad to know you get what I'm experiencing. It really can wear me out. And I share your hope. <3
I suspect I may be similar. But I’ve chosen to stop being everyone’s trauma dump. It was exhausting me.
I see it as a diverse constellation. I myself have never “been tested” but I don’t really wish to be. But I know and have known for a long time that there is something unusual that happens to me when I encounter other peoples emotions. It is particularly strong in the presence of people. I’ve never met sharing deep emotions. It is also very difficult to manage.
I see it as a diverse constellation. I myself have never “been tested” but I don’t really wish to be. But I know and have known for a long time that there is something unusual that happens to me when I encounter other peoples emotions. It is particularly strong in the presence of people. I’ve never met sharing deep emotions. It is also very difficult to manage.
<3
Thank you for this. I can relate and love how you phrased it as being a radio receiver. It's so true, and I hope the awareness brings you the ability to practice more self-care.
Thank you, Lainey.
Thanks for this Sari. As a fellow "radio receiver for everyone else's emotions" or co-dependent or Al-Anon person or so many other possibilities this was interesting and helpful to read.
Glad to hear.
I started drinking and numbing in other ways really young to TURN OFF THE CHANNEL. It worked for....about five minutes. Now sober for most of my adult life, I still over-empathize. I liked Covid lock-down because I could just stay home with my books, writing, husband, animals, great food, and nature. My social muscles atrophied. But I still want to be sober in a 12-Step women's support group, so I started a meeting. We meet for an hour once a week, and some of us come early to talk more one on one. Then some stay later to share a bit more. That makes three hours of super-relating, and I'm just completely drained, even shaking. I'm finally getting how for me, alcohol and drugs and compulsive relationships and caregiving, were a way to numb the "Mommy, I feel like I'm in everybody's head at once" recorded by her in my Baby Book from when I was about five.
❤️❤️❤️
As another late diagnosed autistic, I'm delighted to welcome you to the fold. ;) I've always loved your writing and I wonder if it's because I found resources with the hyper-empathy part. In my experience diagnosis is just the beginning of the journey, but there is a wonderful community here and elsewhere of late diagnosed people (re)discovering themselves. I would say though, to be wary of functioning labels and so-called levels of autism. I think we're all on a journey to see how and where we fit on the spectrum, experiences ebb and flow and can change over our life-times, you are ultimately an expert in your own experience and how to define it!
Thank you for the welcome and for this helpful perspective, Aisling!
Hope it helped and looking forward to reading more from you!
Ah! Congrats on the diagnosis. It’s such a weird weight off. I got mine five years ago and I also feel what people around me feel so strongly. Though I weirdly took one of those empathy quizzes on an autism site and scored very much not in the neurotypical range. I think people on the spectrum just experience empathy very differently.
Thank you, Tove. Glad to know you are on a similar "journey" with this. I think maybe they are now updating what they know about autism and empathy, so maybe that test was outdated. But, yes, I suspect we experience empathy differently. For me, other people's feelings are always on high-volume around me.