Oh, Sari, you are so not alone. If you just type "money shame" into Google, you'll see.
I have to confess that as a math, data, and computer guy, I've been using Quicken, daily I shit you not, since 1989. I can look back at American Express to see what I was doing in then (hurtling towards the end of my first marriage.)
I should also confess that I used to teach Financial Integrity classes, and the first class was always talking about emotions around money.
I quit my last W2 job in 1990 and have been freelance ever since, and I'm still here and friends and family around me have tried and failed to do the same, always for financial reasons. That you have survived doing the same thing for as long as you have while witnessing failure and shame around you is a testament to your financial survival skills, to knowing, like a cat, how to land on your feet.
In other words, you're not as bad at money as you think you are! It's just that pesky bookkeeping. I have to confess, a third time, that I take care of all the household accounting. If you can't work out a similar domestic arrangement, I suggest finding someone - a friend, or perhaps your accountant can suggest someone - to help you get Quicken set up. Once that's done, maintaining it is not so bad. Maybe 15 minutes a week.
Dear Sari, you are too hard on yourself. No, the problem is not you, the problem is the overly complicated (maybe on purpose?) tax law. It should never be this hard to do our taxes, only when it is by design ...
Years ago when we bought our first house and were looking for a cleaning lady, a dear old friend (I think she might have just been my age now but at the time, she was *old* to me lol!) offered me her wisdom: "Honey, no one cleans better than yourself!" There was so much wisdom in that! Now I am that "dear old friend", I tell people that no matter how competent the experts we hire are, no one cares about our needs as we do. We should always be knowledgeable and involved, and trust our own capabilities.
You should be so proud of yourself, for running not just one, but three successful Substack newsletters, supporting other writers in collaborations, and providing advice. You work so hard to earn that trust and reputation, there is no shame in making some money from it! :-) There is so much to read on Substack, yours are always the ones I read first!
P.S. It is lovely that you write a story about your income for your accountant! I am not sure how I'd take his nonchalant reaction ... ;)
In January, I ditched my 2023 mantra ("Year of Yes") for one that kept coming up naturally -- "Let people help me." People like dentists and doctors and salespeople and yes, even accountants. I suggest you give up on Quicken and find a new accountant. It makes sense to pay specialists to do what they do. We can't excel in everything, and we can pay others to help us.
Sari, I’ve worked as a financial coach for seven years. I’ve never worked with anyone who doesn’t feel that they should somehow be doing ‘better’ with money, whatever better means. We all absorb unconscious beliefs about money and how it works from our families as we grow up. Bringing these into conscious awareness can be enough sometimes to loosen their grip on us. There are also therapists who specialize in working with financial trauma. Look up the Financial Therapy Association for more info. And financial coaches can help with nitty gritty things like creating a spending plan or paying off and keeping off credit card debt. Without shaming anyone. In my experience we are all making the best choices we can based on what we know at the time.
Mazel tov on finding a way to turn Substack into a living wage! That's a real achievement.
I loathe tax season, too, and have long felt inadequate because my father — a math whiz — became an EA after retiring from his civil service job of many decades, and both of my brothers do their own taxes with TurboTax. I rely on Quicken throughout the year but just throw everything at my tax person each February. I am enraged that the U.S. intentionally makes it hard to file taxes, thanks to the profit-seeking lobbying of Quicken/TurboTax parent company Intuit. The process is much easier in other countries — and it could be here as well, if we had the political will.
All of this rings so true. Just yesterday, I got in touch with clients to whom I owed a W-9...and I almost threw up in the process. I don't really get the fear and loathing, but it's very real.
Thanks for putting this out there. It helps to read that other people - other self-employed writers - feel the same way.
I wonder sometimes if I have "pauperism," too. The number of times I was doing very well and then ended up squandering my money on a relationship? Please. On the other hand, these days, with the economy being what it is, and ageism and caregiving being what it is, I don't really need pauperism to explain my situation -- though I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to just have one w-2 type job, however poorly paid, just to avoid all the tax complications. My boss just told me not to be silly, when he heard me musing over this option. Thank goodness for good bosses.
I just responded to you on Notes, but I have to say one more thing! I often grumble that "I hate my accountant because she's a bad communicator," but I now see that her lack of friendly communication isn't really the problem, it's my own shame. I feel like an irresponsible fool around here, and I'm afraid I will get in trouble -- but I see now that story isn't true, or at least I have a more compassionate response for myself. So just want to offer that, too. I HAVE come up with a few practical things that make all this stuff easier, happy to share them if you like.
Sari, your struggles and good humor speak to me on so many levels. What a terrible burden of shame you’ve had—I’m so sorry. 💜 I feel like Quicken is that super put-together, prosperous relative one both admires and hates a little. Husband and I have used it since 1991, migrating the data from computer to computer (so many!). Every March, I download and categorize 9 months of expenditures, and do Quicken reports for the accountant. (9 months because I optimistically also catch up the current year.) About 5 years ago, I finally let go of the shame of being a really crappy money tracker (and spotty earner of advances and royalties). I always pay about 20% more in quarterly taxes than the accountant requires, just in case we have a great earning year. I’ve accepted that this is my process, that it gets done, and that one week of energetically organizing receipts out of a year is not so bad.
I’ve learned that you really only need to categorize your business expenses, utilities, and mortgage—let the rest go so you can get back to your writing, which is what matters!
I love this. I love everything about this. How can one hold so many truths? You do what you love but it scares the shit out of you. You get accolades and have subscribers out the wazoo. But you're not sure if you are doing right. And, referencing your piece about leaving the place you rented for 10 years in the city -- the woman who told you how her rent controlled held her back from so many things in life -- what a lesson. Your path to self-discovery is amazing, transparent, and honest. KEEP IT UP!!! Even if you are only telling us half of it, it's still an incredible tale of resilience. You are worth every penny and more. When I owned a bookstore I sometimes had trouble when people made huge purchases. I wanted to say, oh you don't really need that. I felt guilty when they spent a lot of money...maybe it's a Jewish thing? Another customer once saw how uncomfortable I was ringing up someone's huge purchase. Afterward, she lectured me on letting that go. My guilt at taking other people's money was misplaced and misguided and I had to honor them by accepting and celebrating their purchases. I really had to shift my relationship with self-worth. It's ongoing but I'm much better at it. Accolades, dear, accolades. And I hope someone paid Sylvia Weiss back.
Why, Sari, are you in my head!!! 🤣 I feel so guilty, all the time, and I don’t even make good money. I don’t know what good money even is… ugh, it’s something I’m working on in advance of my 40th in 2025…
Something that helped me is hiring an accountant who does all my bookkeeping and taxes on a rolling basis. I send documents at the start of the year, of course, but my deductions aren’t my business, lol, I just do all my biz spending on one card / from one account. I pay the service monthly and it’s helped SO MUCH. Hilariously… they specialize in influencers. I’m likely the smallest fish in their pond as a writer not a YouTuber.
Great piece, Sari. Wow do I recognize myself in your words. I tend to be very dysfunctional when it comes to bookkeeping and financial planning, and yes, self-employed, and no, I don't want a "regular" job. I appreciate what you're doing here so much.
Do you follow Amanda Holden, a.k.a. @dumpster.doggy on IG? I worked with her as a client and she just got a book deal-- she specializes in helping women confront their anxieties around money. She might be an amazing person for you to connect with or consult with.
Sari, this is so compelling I could not stop reading. I find myself constantly stressed about money and impending doom too, even though I work a well paying unionized day job in possibly one of the most stable fields out there. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, whether it’s about money, health, happiness, family….. etc etc.
I was having a conversation with someone recently who suggested that it might come from inherited immigrant / middle eastern trauma - my family is one of the lucky ones. We’ve never been refugees, we only ever had one member end up a POW in a war, and yet my mom did sing me the stories they would sing on the radio when she was a child about turning off the lights so the numbs wouldn’t find them during one war or another … maybe I catastrophize because it’s in my blood?
Anyway I really do love this post and your newsletters, and you made me want to share.
Oh, Sari, you are so not alone. If you just type "money shame" into Google, you'll see.
I have to confess that as a math, data, and computer guy, I've been using Quicken, daily I shit you not, since 1989. I can look back at American Express to see what I was doing in then (hurtling towards the end of my first marriage.)
I should also confess that I used to teach Financial Integrity classes, and the first class was always talking about emotions around money.
I quit my last W2 job in 1990 and have been freelance ever since, and I'm still here and friends and family around me have tried and failed to do the same, always for financial reasons. That you have survived doing the same thing for as long as you have while witnessing failure and shame around you is a testament to your financial survival skills, to knowing, like a cat, how to land on your feet.
In other words, you're not as bad at money as you think you are! It's just that pesky bookkeeping. I have to confess, a third time, that I take care of all the household accounting. If you can't work out a similar domestic arrangement, I suggest finding someone - a friend, or perhaps your accountant can suggest someone - to help you get Quicken set up. Once that's done, maintaining it is not so bad. Maybe 15 minutes a week.
You've got this!
Dear Sari, you are too hard on yourself. No, the problem is not you, the problem is the overly complicated (maybe on purpose?) tax law. It should never be this hard to do our taxes, only when it is by design ...
Years ago when we bought our first house and were looking for a cleaning lady, a dear old friend (I think she might have just been my age now but at the time, she was *old* to me lol!) offered me her wisdom: "Honey, no one cleans better than yourself!" There was so much wisdom in that! Now I am that "dear old friend", I tell people that no matter how competent the experts we hire are, no one cares about our needs as we do. We should always be knowledgeable and involved, and trust our own capabilities.
You should be so proud of yourself, for running not just one, but three successful Substack newsletters, supporting other writers in collaborations, and providing advice. You work so hard to earn that trust and reputation, there is no shame in making some money from it! :-) There is so much to read on Substack, yours are always the ones I read first!
P.S. It is lovely that you write a story about your income for your accountant! I am not sure how I'd take his nonchalant reaction ... ;)
In January, I ditched my 2023 mantra ("Year of Yes") for one that kept coming up naturally -- "Let people help me." People like dentists and doctors and salespeople and yes, even accountants. I suggest you give up on Quicken and find a new accountant. It makes sense to pay specialists to do what they do. We can't excel in everything, and we can pay others to help us.
Sari, I’ve worked as a financial coach for seven years. I’ve never worked with anyone who doesn’t feel that they should somehow be doing ‘better’ with money, whatever better means. We all absorb unconscious beliefs about money and how it works from our families as we grow up. Bringing these into conscious awareness can be enough sometimes to loosen their grip on us. There are also therapists who specialize in working with financial trauma. Look up the Financial Therapy Association for more info. And financial coaches can help with nitty gritty things like creating a spending plan or paying off and keeping off credit card debt. Without shaming anyone. In my experience we are all making the best choices we can based on what we know at the time.
Mazel tov on finding a way to turn Substack into a living wage! That's a real achievement.
I loathe tax season, too, and have long felt inadequate because my father — a math whiz — became an EA after retiring from his civil service job of many decades, and both of my brothers do their own taxes with TurboTax. I rely on Quicken throughout the year but just throw everything at my tax person each February. I am enraged that the U.S. intentionally makes it hard to file taxes, thanks to the profit-seeking lobbying of Quicken/TurboTax parent company Intuit. The process is much easier in other countries — and it could be here as well, if we had the political will.
All of this rings so true. Just yesterday, I got in touch with clients to whom I owed a W-9...and I almost threw up in the process. I don't really get the fear and loathing, but it's very real.
Thanks for putting this out there. It helps to read that other people - other self-employed writers - feel the same way.
I wonder sometimes if I have "pauperism," too. The number of times I was doing very well and then ended up squandering my money on a relationship? Please. On the other hand, these days, with the economy being what it is, and ageism and caregiving being what it is, I don't really need pauperism to explain my situation -- though I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to just have one w-2 type job, however poorly paid, just to avoid all the tax complications. My boss just told me not to be silly, when he heard me musing over this option. Thank goodness for good bosses.
I just responded to you on Notes, but I have to say one more thing! I often grumble that "I hate my accountant because she's a bad communicator," but I now see that her lack of friendly communication isn't really the problem, it's my own shame. I feel like an irresponsible fool around here, and I'm afraid I will get in trouble -- but I see now that story isn't true, or at least I have a more compassionate response for myself. So just want to offer that, too. I HAVE come up with a few practical things that make all this stuff easier, happy to share them if you like.
Sari, your struggles and good humor speak to me on so many levels. What a terrible burden of shame you’ve had—I’m so sorry. 💜 I feel like Quicken is that super put-together, prosperous relative one both admires and hates a little. Husband and I have used it since 1991, migrating the data from computer to computer (so many!). Every March, I download and categorize 9 months of expenditures, and do Quicken reports for the accountant. (9 months because I optimistically also catch up the current year.) About 5 years ago, I finally let go of the shame of being a really crappy money tracker (and spotty earner of advances and royalties). I always pay about 20% more in quarterly taxes than the accountant requires, just in case we have a great earning year. I’ve accepted that this is my process, that it gets done, and that one week of energetically organizing receipts out of a year is not so bad.
I’ve learned that you really only need to categorize your business expenses, utilities, and mortgage—let the rest go so you can get back to your writing, which is what matters!
Did I write this????
I love this. I love everything about this. How can one hold so many truths? You do what you love but it scares the shit out of you. You get accolades and have subscribers out the wazoo. But you're not sure if you are doing right. And, referencing your piece about leaving the place you rented for 10 years in the city -- the woman who told you how her rent controlled held her back from so many things in life -- what a lesson. Your path to self-discovery is amazing, transparent, and honest. KEEP IT UP!!! Even if you are only telling us half of it, it's still an incredible tale of resilience. You are worth every penny and more. When I owned a bookstore I sometimes had trouble when people made huge purchases. I wanted to say, oh you don't really need that. I felt guilty when they spent a lot of money...maybe it's a Jewish thing? Another customer once saw how uncomfortable I was ringing up someone's huge purchase. Afterward, she lectured me on letting that go. My guilt at taking other people's money was misplaced and misguided and I had to honor them by accepting and celebrating their purchases. I really had to shift my relationship with self-worth. It's ongoing but I'm much better at it. Accolades, dear, accolades. And I hope someone paid Sylvia Weiss back.
Why, Sari, are you in my head!!! 🤣 I feel so guilty, all the time, and I don’t even make good money. I don’t know what good money even is… ugh, it’s something I’m working on in advance of my 40th in 2025…
Something that helped me is hiring an accountant who does all my bookkeeping and taxes on a rolling basis. I send documents at the start of the year, of course, but my deductions aren’t my business, lol, I just do all my biz spending on one card / from one account. I pay the service monthly and it’s helped SO MUCH. Hilariously… they specialize in influencers. I’m likely the smallest fish in their pond as a writer not a YouTuber.
Great piece, Sari. Wow do I recognize myself in your words. I tend to be very dysfunctional when it comes to bookkeeping and financial planning, and yes, self-employed, and no, I don't want a "regular" job. I appreciate what you're doing here so much.
There's an Underearners Anonymous: underearnersanonymous.org
Do you follow Amanda Holden, a.k.a. @dumpster.doggy on IG? I worked with her as a client and she just got a book deal-- she specializes in helping women confront their anxieties around money. She might be an amazing person for you to connect with or consult with.
Sari, this is so compelling I could not stop reading. I find myself constantly stressed about money and impending doom too, even though I work a well paying unionized day job in possibly one of the most stable fields out there. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, whether it’s about money, health, happiness, family….. etc etc.
I was having a conversation with someone recently who suggested that it might come from inherited immigrant / middle eastern trauma - my family is one of the lucky ones. We’ve never been refugees, we only ever had one member end up a POW in a war, and yet my mom did sing me the stories they would sing on the radio when she was a child about turning off the lights so the numbs wouldn’t find them during one war or another … maybe I catastrophize because it’s in my blood?
Anyway I really do love this post and your newsletters, and you made me want to share.