Really enjoyed this piece, I am sometimes one of those "no" people but it is not easy. I'm just starting a sort of self-imposed "sabbatical" this year and have turned down several projects over the last few months. It was absolutely wrenching but also absolutely the right decision. One thing that stuck out to me at the end of the piece - you say about strangers who reach out to you, "before I turn down those requests" - but, assuming they are really strangers (not friends of friends, etc.) have you considered not responding at all? I always make time for friends/colleagues but never respond to strangers, I just treat them like spam and delete them, lol. Anyway, maybe a helpful thought.
So much of this resonated. As to the "brain picking" -- I enjoy answering specific questions and consider it part of the "paying it forward" part of both my jobs. What I do not enjoy are vaguely formulated questions that amount to: "how do I get where you are, but fast, and preferably without doing any preliminary research"?
Also, very often it's people asking, "How can I edit an anthology?" but when I tell them I teach a course and one is coming soon, they don't want to wait, or they don't want to sign up...can't I just tell them on the phone?
Yeah. I was originally going to note that consulting or coaching fees lead to much happier brain picking. But I suspect (based on, I readily admit, limited data) that the kind of people willing to pay for the advice also tend to have more thoughtful, specific questions.
Once or twice I've had the courage to say, "I'd be happy to do this; my fee is X," and most of the people who ask me are (or seem to be) much better heeled than I am, but I struggle with asking.
I don’t think you have to become a person who defaults to no. You can be a person who just takes her time and slows down in between the impulse to say yes, and the decision to say no. That’s the crucial step. It takes time to feel into, listen and heed, what your gut is telling you. We so often lead with our heads in these situations, in some sort of validation panic, when really, our head and gut just need to be in conversation.
Really enjoyed this piece, I am sometimes one of those "no" people but it is not easy. I'm just starting a sort of self-imposed "sabbatical" this year and have turned down several projects over the last few months. It was absolutely wrenching but also absolutely the right decision. One thing that stuck out to me at the end of the piece - you say about strangers who reach out to you, "before I turn down those requests" - but, assuming they are really strangers (not friends of friends, etc.) have you considered not responding at all? I always make time for friends/colleagues but never respond to strangers, I just treat them like spam and delete them, lol. Anyway, maybe a helpful thought.
Thank you, Alisa! What a radical idea. I really do not owe emails to everyone who reaches out to me, unsolicited. Hmmm...
What Geeta said. I can't even express how deeply I feel this and I'm grateful that you wrote about it. Also a Libra here. It's tough.
I'm so grateful you brought me into the "no" club, Sejal. Thank you. I feel like, as Libras, we need extra help with this.
You know how deeply I feel this. If you ever figure out how to get the DNA replaced, let me know.
Wouldn't it be so nice if we could???
Lol. I just want to be a woman who says no.
#Goalz.
So much of this resonated. As to the "brain picking" -- I enjoy answering specific questions and consider it part of the "paying it forward" part of both my jobs. What I do not enjoy are vaguely formulated questions that amount to: "how do I get where you are, but fast, and preferably without doing any preliminary research"?
Also, very often it's people asking, "How can I edit an anthology?" but when I tell them I teach a course and one is coming soon, they don't want to wait, or they don't want to sign up...can't I just tell them on the phone?
Lol, though you very kindly did that for me once!
(Didn't know you were doing courses though!)
I need to set up some new dates...
Yes, that is reasonable! Too often it is people asking me the latter.
Yeah. I was originally going to note that consulting or coaching fees lead to much happier brain picking. But I suspect (based on, I readily admit, limited data) that the kind of people willing to pay for the advice also tend to have more thoughtful, specific questions.
Once or twice I've had the courage to say, "I'd be happy to do this; my fee is X," and most of the people who ask me are (or seem to be) much better heeled than I am, but I struggle with asking.
I don’t think you have to become a person who defaults to no. You can be a person who just takes her time and slows down in between the impulse to say yes, and the decision to say no. That’s the crucial step. It takes time to feel into, listen and heed, what your gut is telling you. We so often lead with our heads in these situations, in some sort of validation panic, when really, our head and gut just need to be in conversation.