I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your generosity in sharing how hard and pain-in-the-ass it is to take care of your mom. And how meaningful. I’ve had more and more of those moments lately, and it’s hard and rich and rewarding and frustrating and maddening and pisses me off that she never mothered me the way I’m mothering her and makes me grow into deeper compassion too.
I had a beautiful experience lately though that validated all the caretaking I’ve done. I had to, shockingly, get a Pacemaker recently. My 32-year-old son offered immediately to come down and take care of me for several days. He was the most amazing caretaker I could ever imagine - incredibly generous and kind and thoughtful, helping in ways I couldn’t even bring myself to ask. He has had many operations in his past, and, at some point, I recognized that perhaps he learned how to care for a person because I had cared for him. I had mothered him well. Perhaps I have overcome/worked through the generational trauma you talked about. And, IF my kids decide to have kids, perhaps the love can continue to travel down the line. It’s a lovely thought.
I'm right there with you in the elder care chapter. My dad is crumbling and leaning hard on me - it's highjacked my life and has got me spinning, wondering what my future holds. I'm impressed that you managed to find the space and time to write about it, my writing brain is AWOL. You're so right with the "massive pain in the ass and an honor." So many of my friends (age mates!) are going through this very thing - it's a perfect subject for Oldster. I wish you both well. 💚
I can't imagine sharing a bed with my mother -- it would be like sharing a bed with a porcupine or a scorpion. Sometimes I envy people who can get close to their mothers, but honestly I have no idea what I'm even missing. I am glad you have this opportunity.
I really appreciate this, Sari, in all the ways--including your thoughts about managing what you are doing with your three spectacular publications. I admire both the publications and your clarity of vision. All healing wishes to your mom!
Been there. Am there. I miss sharing a bed w mom when I want to (hospital bed is tougher) and I remember the fear and stress and anxiety of her own mystery illness years before she was living w me, we went from specialist to specialist to nuclear medicine. It was exhausting and harrowing. All the time being responsible for comforting her own fears, and that of her boyfriend as well.
I also have never been a mother, or wanted that responsibility. The universe doesn’t seem to give a shit what I want in that area.
I identify so much, and you put it all so well. It sucks and it’s tender. It’s also all about being powerless and the growth opp for our compassion bones.
Reach out if you want to. Any hour. We can’t do this alone. And so many of us are going through this now. I guess it’s the age, even though I’m a boomer. Rather than the sandwich generation, I think of us child free folks who are caring for parents as “Open Sandwiches.”
Sorry for the length of this, it felt really personal. ❤️
Oooh, Sari, this is so so hard. My mother died in 1999 but the last few years were tough, and I had help so the burden didn't fall on me. I hope you can come back home soon and that it all eases. Nancy
I'm so sorry you are dealing with that and hope she heals!
My brother keeps a lot more connection to my parents' aging challenges -- like when my dad was falling from a foot that didn't heal after a break and refused a walker, my brother found some kind of walking stick that he actually uses. He and my sister-in-law are doing this labor on two family fronts while I am busy with my day job, my writing, and my relatively new marriage (six years). I should feel guilty.
My mom had me when she was 23 and I had mine when I was 23 -- there isn't a lot of growing up you can do before then :)
Also, I am so impressed with your media empire! Oldster is one of the highlights of my reading each week.
Awww, thank you. And you make a great point about how little room for growing up there is before big life things at 23 (the age at which I first married).
I’m thinking of you. Thank you for all you share here, I love your writings, thoughts, musings and ability to connect so graciously and honestly. Your outlines of life help us understand how much we all have in common and how we handle what life throws our way. Speedy recovery to your mom I can't wait to see how your media empire unfolds.
You are living deep in motherland, and the clarity with which you write about this is startlingly brave. Writing in the lexicon of daughter-as-caregiver is a complicated feat, teetering on the edge of a sharp blade: it can go this way or it can go that way, and both ways are precarious. I am so sorry for what's happening. Mind your health, though, please.
My mother just passed after five years of dementia and other illnesses. Caregiving for her was humbling and hard. I’m so glad to hear you’ll be writing about it; others’ stories helped me through my experience and also inspired me to write my own. I think that, the act of writing and sharing it, helps create community among caregivers, which can otherwise be very isolating. Looking forward to reading more from you on this (whenever you decide to publish!).
Had to reach out with my condolences. I also was my mother's caretaker through many years of dementia and it was, I agree, both humbling and so very difficult. We lost her in 2019 but I am still grieving in small ongoing ways. Be gentle with yourself and know you did good.
Sending you and your mom my best, and warmest wishes for swift healing and a better grip on this new phase. Thanks for all you do, Sari. You should be very proud of your media empire! xN
This is so beautifully wrought and written. The delicate handling was what I needed in processing how and if I’d be able to be present for my own mother. Your description of your lineage, the history of loss in the line reminded me of feelings I’ve not witnessed but heard whispered and wondered just how it can end with me (energetically bc I have two children). I thank you for this sharing, for this truth-telling. 🙏🏾✨
Wonderful post and I'll join everyone in saying how impressed I.am by your triad of publications. I love the separation and totally get it. And I can really relate to learning about caretaking without being a mom , me too. Hang in there. This too shall pass.
"...a difficult exercise that also feels vital, at once a massive pain in the ass and an honor." Sums it up perfectly. Just lived through this. Sending you vibes of grit and grace and humor and whatever vices you need to weather it well.
You so captured how I feel about being a caregiver with this “at once a massive pain in the ass and an honor.” I’m glad you could be there for your mom but sorry you had to miss your event. I hope you get some time just for you soon.
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your generosity in sharing how hard and pain-in-the-ass it is to take care of your mom. And how meaningful. I’ve had more and more of those moments lately, and it’s hard and rich and rewarding and frustrating and maddening and pisses me off that she never mothered me the way I’m mothering her and makes me grow into deeper compassion too.
I had a beautiful experience lately though that validated all the caretaking I’ve done. I had to, shockingly, get a Pacemaker recently. My 32-year-old son offered immediately to come down and take care of me for several days. He was the most amazing caretaker I could ever imagine - incredibly generous and kind and thoughtful, helping in ways I couldn’t even bring myself to ask. He has had many operations in his past, and, at some point, I recognized that perhaps he learned how to care for a person because I had cared for him. I had mothered him well. Perhaps I have overcome/worked through the generational trauma you talked about. And, IF my kids decide to have kids, perhaps the love can continue to travel down the line. It’s a lovely thought.
I love this. Good on you as a mom. And thanks for letting me know you identify.
I'm right there with you in the elder care chapter. My dad is crumbling and leaning hard on me - it's highjacked my life and has got me spinning, wondering what my future holds. I'm impressed that you managed to find the space and time to write about it, my writing brain is AWOL. You're so right with the "massive pain in the ass and an honor." So many of my friends (age mates!) are going through this very thing - it's a perfect subject for Oldster. I wish you both well. 💚
Thank you, Lisa. 💕
I can't imagine sharing a bed with my mother -- it would be like sharing a bed with a porcupine or a scorpion. Sometimes I envy people who can get close to their mothers, but honestly I have no idea what I'm even missing. I am glad you have this opportunity.
PS - hi to your mom, and may she recover quickly while feeling loved.
😘
Carolita: same, same, same.
I really appreciate this, Sari, in all the ways--including your thoughts about managing what you are doing with your three spectacular publications. I admire both the publications and your clarity of vision. All healing wishes to your mom!
Been there. Am there. I miss sharing a bed w mom when I want to (hospital bed is tougher) and I remember the fear and stress and anxiety of her own mystery illness years before she was living w me, we went from specialist to specialist to nuclear medicine. It was exhausting and harrowing. All the time being responsible for comforting her own fears, and that of her boyfriend as well.
I also have never been a mother, or wanted that responsibility. The universe doesn’t seem to give a shit what I want in that area.
I identify so much, and you put it all so well. It sucks and it’s tender. It’s also all about being powerless and the growth opp for our compassion bones.
Reach out if you want to. Any hour. We can’t do this alone. And so many of us are going through this now. I guess it’s the age, even though I’m a boomer. Rather than the sandwich generation, I think of us child free folks who are caring for parents as “Open Sandwiches.”
Sorry for the length of this, it felt really personal. ❤️
Thank you so much, Jodi. I am not surprised that you totally get this. Yes, the powerlessness. I’m so spoiled in my autonomy.
Oooh, Sari, this is so so hard. My mother died in 1999 but the last few years were tough, and I had help so the burden didn't fall on me. I hope you can come back home soon and that it all eases. Nancy
Thank you, Nancy. 💕
Wow it’s so much. My heart goes out to you, your mom and Brian. Btw I think this is my favorite publication of yours!
Awww, thank you, Susan. 💝
I'm so sorry you are dealing with that and hope she heals!
My brother keeps a lot more connection to my parents' aging challenges -- like when my dad was falling from a foot that didn't heal after a break and refused a walker, my brother found some kind of walking stick that he actually uses. He and my sister-in-law are doing this labor on two family fronts while I am busy with my day job, my writing, and my relatively new marriage (six years). I should feel guilty.
My mom had me when she was 23 and I had mine when I was 23 -- there isn't a lot of growing up you can do before then :)
Also, I am so impressed with your media empire! Oldster is one of the highlights of my reading each week.
Awww, thank you. And you make a great point about how little room for growing up there is before big life things at 23 (the age at which I first married).
I’m thinking of you. Thank you for all you share here, I love your writings, thoughts, musings and ability to connect so graciously and honestly. Your outlines of life help us understand how much we all have in common and how we handle what life throws our way. Speedy recovery to your mom I can't wait to see how your media empire unfolds.
This means so much to me, Dina. Thank you. 🙏🏻💕
You are living deep in motherland, and the clarity with which you write about this is startlingly brave. Writing in the lexicon of daughter-as-caregiver is a complicated feat, teetering on the edge of a sharp blade: it can go this way or it can go that way, and both ways are precarious. I am so sorry for what's happening. Mind your health, though, please.
I know you really get it Elissa! Thank you for your support and kind words.
My mother just passed after five years of dementia and other illnesses. Caregiving for her was humbling and hard. I’m so glad to hear you’ll be writing about it; others’ stories helped me through my experience and also inspired me to write my own. I think that, the act of writing and sharing it, helps create community among caregivers, which can otherwise be very isolating. Looking forward to reading more from you on this (whenever you decide to publish!).
Had to reach out with my condolences. I also was my mother's caretaker through many years of dementia and it was, I agree, both humbling and so very difficult. We lost her in 2019 but I am still grieving in small ongoing ways. Be gentle with yourself and know you did good.
💕
Thank you. So sorry for your loss, Kristina.
Sending you and your mom my best, and warmest wishes for swift healing and a better grip on this new phase. Thanks for all you do, Sari. You should be very proud of your media empire! xN
💝
This is so beautifully wrought and written. The delicate handling was what I needed in processing how and if I’d be able to be present for my own mother. Your description of your lineage, the history of loss in the line reminded me of feelings I’ve not witnessed but heard whispered and wondered just how it can end with me (energetically bc I have two children). I thank you for this sharing, for this truth-telling. 🙏🏾✨
Wonderful post and I'll join everyone in saying how impressed I.am by your triad of publications. I love the separation and totally get it. And I can really relate to learning about caretaking without being a mom , me too. Hang in there. This too shall pass.
🙏🏻💕
"...a difficult exercise that also feels vital, at once a massive pain in the ass and an honor." Sums it up perfectly. Just lived through this. Sending you vibes of grit and grace and humor and whatever vices you need to weather it well.
❤️
You so captured how I feel about being a caregiver with this “at once a massive pain in the ass and an honor.” I’m glad you could be there for your mom but sorry you had to miss your event. I hope you get some time just for you soon.
Thank you, Rachel.