One of the most terrifying things about life is that every path we take cuts off many other paths. I suspect the judgement was actually self-recrimination that was too painful and therefore turned in your direction. I’m comfortable with the compromises I’ve made until I see someone who didn’t make the same compromises and thrived. But I’ve learned that my discomfort in those situations belongs with me, not the brave soul who did something different.
My father said, "You abandoned a dying man," after my husband divorced me six months before his death. Women aren't supposed to "leave," even if the leaving was initiated by someone else's violence or lack of support for one's writing, for one's "Sariness" or "Kirieness." When I was in rehab for alcoholism, we young women were told that nine out of ten women stay with their husbands through alcohol recovery. Only one out of ten husbands stay.
So many feels reading this. (Dated from the early age of 15, married at 21, first of a very tight friend group to get married, divorced at 27, lost half of the friend group in the split). The assumed judgement from others, the self-imposed judgement…all of it. When my now-husband said to me (at 36 when I finally had the ears to listen): “Put an arm around that Natalie” —that was a reframing gem for me.
As a woman who got married at 22 (thanks to Christian purity culture!) and divorced at 29 on my own terms, in a culture that treats divorce as a curse, this really hit home. The shame and guilt and embarassment and heartbreak and anger that came from the fallout after - even from my parents - still makes me seethe with anger. I've recently realized they weren't even mad about me initiating the dreaded divorce, they were mad about the audacity of a young woman bucking the norm.
I too married far too young. When I left during Covid, it was seen as the most heartless thing I could have done. Even after the divorce was done, I replayed that accusation in dreams. But recently, I’ve realized that the breaking point of Covid was a gift that tipped my life in a better direction. There are people who may never forgive me, but I’ve forgiven myself.
Julia Cameron talks about these moments as The Test: just when you try to choose yourself and your art, the ultimate Test of your commitment to the change will try to stop you from changing. You passed the Test!
A few years after my divorce I was chatting with my former Mother in Law (she was helping my family as my grandmother was dying, long story there). I told her that sometimes I miss my ex and wished we could talk about the good times. She unequivocally said “No, he will never want to talk about anything like that with you.” My ex and I have to talk often as we share a son, and he was the one who left. I have no axe to grind and we’ve both moved on. Our relationship is very functional and I used to wonder where the friendly person I used to be married to went.
Her comment was super helpful as it drove home that the person I was married to is gone. He’s not interested in finding any value in our 15 years together, or remembering the fun we had. And that’s okay. I felt the loss of his family and our friends, but relationships are complex. Those people don’t know what was best for you and thankfully you don’t encounter them very much ❤️
Oh wow! The song "Her Town Too" came on earlier, and I was thinking how easy it was for people to gossip and judge even before social media. I am glad you got out!
I found this essay riveting for lots of reasons, not the least of which was your description of yourself as barely formed at age 23. A lot of people I know who married that young are no longer together. Some are, but those are the exceptions. I think we change so dramatically between the ages of 0 and 30–and when you get together with someone in your late teens or early 20s, if you can't find a way to grow together, you often grow apart. Also, if you buck the tide, people often resent you because they're threatened. Maybe they want to buck it too, but they're scared.
One of the big takeaways from me here is that I completely misread your ex-father-in-law's comment to you when you called "Elliot" at the hospital. When he said, “Listen to me. I wish for you whatever you wish for yourself. But don’t you ever call him again," I read it not as a threat, but as advice to you. To me, he was saying, "Protect yourself! Don't call him again because you got out of what was going to be a disaster anyway. Go, live your best life." Without the context of what came before, that's one way to read it. And by the time I got to that point I was cheering for you, thinking, "You go, Sari! You did the right thing, and your ex-father-in-law thought so, too." (Not for nothing is one of my nicknames Pollyanna...)
Your strength and resilience in embracing your true path are incredibly inspiring. It’s beautiful to see how you've turned challenging experiences into powerful narratives that resonate with so many. You’re not just surviving; you’re thriving by being unapologetically you. Out of curiosity, how has your creative expression evolved since embracing your new chapter?
Twas a good move. “Don’t think twice, it’s alright.” A lovely motto for when you doubt a strong move to a degree that remorse starts to immobilize you. Speaking to myself here of course. Great piece
…and I thought I was the only one! I live in a suburb in the South, and when I got divorced at 33, my good friends warned me that I would become a social outcast because other women would fear I’d steal their husbands. As if. My friends were right. I was no longer invited to parties etc… It felt like some kind of Stepford Wife über-punishment. The one good thing that came from this was that my mother and I didn’t get along for years, but after my divorce she affirmed, “Married couples will avoid you because they fear divorce is contagious.” Mom was right, and her nugget of wisdom really helped carry me through. She went through it and I did, too.
I had/have a similar situation and sadly for me, I have always been
Queer so my A is always from
women except my wife of three years. She died of cancer 10 years ago and I was a front line hospice RN at the Soldier Hospital. I took care of her and she died so
comfortably in our bed. 💟☮️🕉️✡️☯️
Happy solo retired to dream home w/ Dog . Never another. Had unconditional Love and three years was plenty. Thanks 🙏🏻 for your Work.
Completely agree with your wise cousin. Life unfolds in unexpected ways for us all. You didn’t cause his illness. If he’d become ill a year later, 5 years later, certain people might forever blame you. This isn’t on you.
Thank you for this brave, raw essay. I also feel like I “caused” my ex-‘s precipitous slide into mental illness by leaving him. My mind “knows” that’s hogwash. My heart, my body… are not convinced. (This is co-dependence. I think.)
One of the most terrifying things about life is that every path we take cuts off many other paths. I suspect the judgement was actually self-recrimination that was too painful and therefore turned in your direction. I’m comfortable with the compromises I’ve made until I see someone who didn’t make the same compromises and thrived. But I’ve learned that my discomfort in those situations belongs with me, not the brave soul who did something different.
Envy can look like scorn.
My father said, "You abandoned a dying man," after my husband divorced me six months before his death. Women aren't supposed to "leave," even if the leaving was initiated by someone else's violence or lack of support for one's writing, for one's "Sariness" or "Kirieness." When I was in rehab for alcoholism, we young women were told that nine out of ten women stay with their husbands through alcohol recovery. Only one out of ten husbands stay.
So many feels reading this. (Dated from the early age of 15, married at 21, first of a very tight friend group to get married, divorced at 27, lost half of the friend group in the split). The assumed judgement from others, the self-imposed judgement…all of it. When my now-husband said to me (at 36 when I finally had the ears to listen): “Put an arm around that Natalie” —that was a reframing gem for me.
As a woman who got married at 22 (thanks to Christian purity culture!) and divorced at 29 on my own terms, in a culture that treats divorce as a curse, this really hit home. The shame and guilt and embarassment and heartbreak and anger that came from the fallout after - even from my parents - still makes me seethe with anger. I've recently realized they weren't even mad about me initiating the dreaded divorce, they were mad about the audacity of a young woman bucking the norm.
Thanks for this Sari!
I too married far too young. When I left during Covid, it was seen as the most heartless thing I could have done. Even after the divorce was done, I replayed that accusation in dreams. But recently, I’ve realized that the breaking point of Covid was a gift that tipped my life in a better direction. There are people who may never forgive me, but I’ve forgiven myself.
Julia Cameron talks about these moments as The Test: just when you try to choose yourself and your art, the ultimate Test of your commitment to the change will try to stop you from changing. You passed the Test!
A few years after my divorce I was chatting with my former Mother in Law (she was helping my family as my grandmother was dying, long story there). I told her that sometimes I miss my ex and wished we could talk about the good times. She unequivocally said “No, he will never want to talk about anything like that with you.” My ex and I have to talk often as we share a son, and he was the one who left. I have no axe to grind and we’ve both moved on. Our relationship is very functional and I used to wonder where the friendly person I used to be married to went.
Her comment was super helpful as it drove home that the person I was married to is gone. He’s not interested in finding any value in our 15 years together, or remembering the fun we had. And that’s okay. I felt the loss of his family and our friends, but relationships are complex. Those people don’t know what was best for you and thankfully you don’t encounter them very much ❤️
Look I have two divorces behind me; no one gives me grief cause they both ended in domestic violence.
People rejected me over it. People responded however and some of those responses were painful. All of their responses were about them.
Your "friend" tried to sabotage your current marriage talebearing to current husband. Those aren't friends. Avoid people who harm you.
I had to just walk away from many and accept they would no longer be in my life.
Surround yourself with people who in fact love you, not you wish they did! Something it took way too long for me to learn.
Oh wow! The song "Her Town Too" came on earlier, and I was thinking how easy it was for people to gossip and judge even before social media. I am glad you got out!
I found this essay riveting for lots of reasons, not the least of which was your description of yourself as barely formed at age 23. A lot of people I know who married that young are no longer together. Some are, but those are the exceptions. I think we change so dramatically between the ages of 0 and 30–and when you get together with someone in your late teens or early 20s, if you can't find a way to grow together, you often grow apart. Also, if you buck the tide, people often resent you because they're threatened. Maybe they want to buck it too, but they're scared.
One of the big takeaways from me here is that I completely misread your ex-father-in-law's comment to you when you called "Elliot" at the hospital. When he said, “Listen to me. I wish for you whatever you wish for yourself. But don’t you ever call him again," I read it not as a threat, but as advice to you. To me, he was saying, "Protect yourself! Don't call him again because you got out of what was going to be a disaster anyway. Go, live your best life." Without the context of what came before, that's one way to read it. And by the time I got to that point I was cheering for you, thinking, "You go, Sari! You did the right thing, and your ex-father-in-law thought so, too." (Not for nothing is one of my nicknames Pollyanna...)
Your strength and resilience in embracing your true path are incredibly inspiring. It’s beautiful to see how you've turned challenging experiences into powerful narratives that resonate with so many. You’re not just surviving; you’re thriving by being unapologetically you. Out of curiosity, how has your creative expression evolved since embracing your new chapter?
Twas a good move. “Don’t think twice, it’s alright.” A lovely motto for when you doubt a strong move to a degree that remorse starts to immobilize you. Speaking to myself here of course. Great piece
…and I thought I was the only one! I live in a suburb in the South, and when I got divorced at 33, my good friends warned me that I would become a social outcast because other women would fear I’d steal their husbands. As if. My friends were right. I was no longer invited to parties etc… It felt like some kind of Stepford Wife über-punishment. The one good thing that came from this was that my mother and I didn’t get along for years, but after my divorce she affirmed, “Married couples will avoid you because they fear divorce is contagious.” Mom was right, and her nugget of wisdom really helped carry me through. She went through it and I did, too.
I had/have a similar situation and sadly for me, I have always been
Queer so my A is always from
women except my wife of three years. She died of cancer 10 years ago and I was a front line hospice RN at the Soldier Hospital. I took care of her and she died so
comfortably in our bed. 💟☮️🕉️✡️☯️
Happy solo retired to dream home w/ Dog . Never another. Had unconditional Love and three years was plenty. Thanks 🙏🏻 for your Work.
Completely agree with your wise cousin. Life unfolds in unexpected ways for us all. You didn’t cause his illness. If he’d become ill a year later, 5 years later, certain people might forever blame you. This isn’t on you.
Thank you for this brave, raw essay. I also feel like I “caused” my ex-‘s precipitous slide into mental illness by leaving him. My mind “knows” that’s hogwash. My heart, my body… are not convinced. (This is co-dependence. I think.)